Monday, July 29, 2013

More Than Just a Number

Is your weight really just a number? For me, it's not. It hasn't been for a long time. My weight is what I've let define myself for years, and that's not a good thing.

My earliest memory of this is probably the dreaded visit to the nurse in elementary school when you have to stand on the scale and be weighed in front of all the other girls in your class. If you're anything like I was, you're pleading with the nurse (inside your own head, of course) to not say your weight out loud for all the 'skinny' girls to hear and later share with their friends. "Do you know how much Katy weighs?!!?" That's how I saw it: me in one corner and 'skinny' girls in the other. It's taken me a long time to realize that it's much better to be healthy than it is to be skinny.
I've tried to keep my weight a secret from everyone my entire, friends, strangers. I hate filling out any paperwork that requires it because I feel like that is the only thing that is being looked at on the entire form. My weight is the main reason I won't go to the doctor because I have such a feeling of being judged when they move those scales over and over and over again until it balances out. And the DMV? Oh my word! Last time I was there (which was probably 10 years ago), the woman at the counter asked for my weight right in front of my dad! I spit out some low number nowhere close to reality, all the while being completely mortified about the whole situation.

You may have noticed that I have never shared my weight with all of you...only how much weight I've lost. Well, I'm tired of hiding behind this number. I'm sick of thinking that the only thing people notice about me is my weight. I knew at some point I would let you all in on how much I currently weigh and how much I weighed at my heaviest. Funny thing is, I thought it would be way farther down the line before I felt comfortable doing that.

I believe sharing my weight with all of you will take away some of the shame I've felt for so long. A sense of relief will wash over me in knowing I don't have to hide it anymore. Most importantly, I will feel empowered to begin looking at myself for who I truly am and what genuinely defines me.

 And for me, that's more than just a number.

Heaviest Weight (January 2012): 271 pounds

Starting Weight (January 2013): 251.2 pounds

Current Weight (July 29, 2013): 228.2 pounds

1 comment:

  1. Bravo! I can totally relate... I have shared my weight on my blog and with plenty of "faceless" people online in different groups here and there, but my own husband has no idea how much I weigh. I know he loves me just the way I am, that he finds me attractive just the way I am, but for some reason there's just this little voice that says "You know, if he KNEW your weight, he'd find you disgusting." Like the number itself would change anything.